Letter To A Girlfriend
Dear Angela,
I know my
behavior last night was abhorrent. I
know it was not right to hit on your friends, or your mother for that
matter. It was not right that I injured
your cats leg trying to demonstrate the intricacies of dancing “Gangnam
Style”. Nor was it the best decision to
then try to dance “Gangnam Style” myself, but to my credit I seem to remember
being awesome at it.
I know you must
think that my drinking had something to do with my behavior. True, we have had issues in the past with
drinking … okay, I have had issues with drinking, but you were right there
letting me do it. You could have just as
easily taken the drink from my hand and wrestled me to the ground to stop me,
but I won’t rehash all that again. I’m
just saying, it’s something you could work on.
No, I really
think something else is at work here, and I think once you hear me out you will
realize how wrong you were to yell at me and kick me out of the party following
your nephews Christening. I think it is
quite clear what happened to me yesterday and what I fell victim to:
Demonic
possession.
We have all seen
a rise in demonic possession stories in the news, or at least in the subject
material in several new movie plots that I have seen the trailers for on
TV. I can’t always tell the
difference. I am quite sure that it is a
growing problem. If not, they wouldn’t
be making movies about it, would they? I
have also seen books and TV shows about it and let me tell you, it is not pleasant. It also would explain a lot of my behavior
from yesterday.
Case in point:
the vomiting. Have you ever seen The
Exorcist? That little girl threw up way
more than I did, yet everyone felt bad for her and I got yelled at. The insensitivity shown me was shocking, but
I am prepared to forgive. It is
unfortunate that I threw up on your cat, again while demonstrating
aforementioned dance moves, and again on myself while dancing, but I really had
no control over that, the demon was in charge.
You might also want to check your kitchen cabinet, the one with the Lazy
Susan. I seem to remember the demon
commanding me to vomit in there also.
Another
occurrence from yesterday we can attribute to the demon: the yelling and
cursing and loud outbursts in general. I
know I should not have called your grandmother a whore, but again, that girl in
The Exorcist said much worse. Besides, where I may have said some off color
things about your grandmother (a lovely woman, by the way) that little girl
said them about a priest’s mother! I
mean, compared to that telling your grandmother about my penis was nothing. Showing
her was probably a bit much, but I’m telling you, the demon had control.
I have just
realized that there is a chance you have never seen The Exorcist, and if that
is the case I really think you should put this letter down and go watch it on
Netflix. It is not really fair to me in
the least if you are reading this without first seeing the horrible behavior of
the little girl in that movie. Moreover, you will see just how similar my
behavior was to someone possessed by a demon.
I have also included on a separate sheet some other movies concerning
demonic possession that you could also watch.
You don’t have to watch them, but I think if you seriously want this
relationship to work you would be willing to put in the effort. Once you have watched them, or at least
watched The Exorcist, please start reading the letter over again from the
beginning.
Thinking about
it, I think you and your family might owe me a bit of thanks. In many cases of demonic possession, the
possessed person will murder others while under control of the demon. Apparently I was strong-willed enough to
resist the urge to murder most of your family, and yet I am being made to feel
like I did something wrong here! While
you may think it was bad behavior to knock over your bookcase and break that
lamp while yelling at your aunt, it seems I was in reality quelling the demons
urge to murder her and perhaps your entire family and your stupid cat. Sorry, I didn’t mean to call your cat stupid,
Mr. Boots is a fine cat. I believe that
was the demon again.
I’m not sure why
the demon made me hug your father and profess my love for him while crying, but
I’m sure there is a demon movie I haven’t seen with a scene like that in
it. Demons seem to be very crafty, so
I’m sure it had a reason. Besides, I’m
sure your father was touched by the display, who wouldn’t want to be told they
are loved?
This whole
possession thing has given me a new outlook on life. For instance, apparently most of my frat
buddies were also possessed by demons just like I was back in college. That would explain a lot of our
behavior. I’m sure it was the demons
that were responsible for all the homoerotic activity taking place after some
of those dorm parties! That’s certainly
a load off of my mind.
I can assure you
that in the future I will try to find help for my affliction, perhaps go to see
a priest or hypnotist. Maybe I can find
an old gypsy woman; I notice that they are sometimes involved when demons
appear in the movies. Do you know of any
gypsy camps outside of town? If not, I
guess I can check on Google Maps. I just
ask that you stick with me and have some sympathy for what I am going
through. I don’t want to make you feel
guilty, but it’s the least you can do after the insensitive way you’ve treated
me when I have a condition that’s beyond my control.
I’m going to go
now, for some reason the possession has left me with a splitting headache and
feeling nauseous. I will let you reflect
on what I have said here and I’m sure you will feel a little foolish for being
mad at me and explain this all to your family.
Sincerely,
John (as far as I know)
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