Excerpts From A Ghosts Diary
Hello diary! This is my first entry of what I’m sure will
be many. I mean, what else do I really
have to do? Where to start? Well, I’ve
been a ghost for about 6 years now. I
have no idea why I am a ghost, I did not suffer some great injustice in my
death nor do I feel I have unfinished business on Earth. I just died and next thing I know I’m floating
around the netherworld. Well, not
exactly floating. It is quite annoying,
to be honest. It’s mostly just like
walking, but the maddening thing is that your feet don’t exactly touch the
ground in any firm kind of way. There
are stray currents blowing through the ether and a strong eddy can actually
dislodge you and move you against your will, maybe 5 feet, maybe 100 feet. You
are kind of at their whim at times, especially if it catches you off guard. As
you could imagine, it can be annoying.
I must say it has not been as much fun as I
thought it would be. It’s not as if I had
been given a choice, but I’m sure many people would have signed up for the
chance to be a ghost and do all kinds of cool ghost-type things. At least they may have seemed cool. The reality is a bit different At first the passing through walls and spying
on people was fun, but when you see the disgusting things people do with
themselves in private it kind of takes the joy out of it. Also, forget what you see in magazines and
movies, people in real life do not look good naked! They especially do not look good naked when
they are doing things like exercising, or clipping their toenails or nose
hair. Worse yet, in private, people are
always examining weird parts of their bodies, contorting themselves in front of
the mirror or on their bed, poking and prodding in places they shouldn’t. I don’t even want to go into the
self-abuse.
I have gained a
new appreciation for porn actors and directors.
Seeing people have sex in real life is absolutely disgusting! The fact that filmmakers can make sex seem
erotic is a minor miracle. It quickly
lost its fascination when I realized that I could no longer do anything about
my sexual urges anyway, and soon the urges ceased altogether. If there is anything I could ask of the
living, it would be this: please act
responsible when you are naked, and please have the lights out as much as
possible. You are really traumatizing us
ghosts and making our earthbound suffering that much more horrible.
Hello diary. I know it’s been a while since I wrote, but
there never seems to be enough time in the day!
Oh, that’s a lie. I have just
been kind of depressed lately. I guess I
am just lonely. I can’t seem to meet any
other ghosts with whom I have any thing in common. Every other ghost I meet seems to be from the
civil war, or from Victorian times, even a few spirits from the colonial period. I guess that’s what you get living in the
east. I suppose I could go out west, but
I fear I will just meet dead cowboys, miners and prostitutes. What’s really depressing is the few American Indian
ghosts I’ve met. I can’t understand
anything they say, and they just seem very bitter. After a frustrating minute or two of trying
to communicate with me, they just give up and sulk.
Then there are
all the other spirits that are simply spheres of light. They seem to have no interests other than
ruining people’s photographs.
I had thought in
death I might find some of the answers to life’s mysteries, but alas, there
seem to be no answers. It’s just day
after day, moving about and wondering about the meaning of it all. Forget about asking the other ghosts. They just moan or whine over and over about
some unfinished thing they want to take care of, but of course they can’t now. I swear, ghosts are some of the most self-absorbed
people you ever want to meet. Everything
is me, me, me! I was poisoned, I promised my girl I would come back from the
war, they thought I was a witch! Enough already
ghosts, we’re dead; get over it!
Well, it’s almost
Christmas. Needless to say, I won’t be
getting any presents this year either.
What would anyone get me anyway? Who
even knows I still possess a consciousness? I don’t really care.
I have decided to
stop going to see my family on the holidays.
First off, there are always ghosts of family members hanging around and
I didn’t like most of them while they were alive. My grandmother just complains about not going
to heaven and being with the angels and such, but if heaven doesn’t want her
around what in the world makes her think I do?! Seriously, death gives you a
perspective on family that really could have come in handy when you are
alive.
Worse than seeing
the dead relatives, in all honesty, is seeing the living ones. It’s no fault of their own, but for them, life
goes on. They move on and every year
your memory fades a bit more. It gets
depressing to see that they miss you less and less. Being dead somehow gives you a different
perspective on the living (duh, really?!) and you slowly come to understand
that you were never really as important to everyone as you think you were. It’s easier to deal with now that I’m dead. I
think it’s a by-product of the whole passing over thing. It’s like you see everything from the outside
looking in and you can cut everyone and yourself a little slack. Again, it’s another thing that would have come
in handy for the living. Life is
strange. Wow, some things I still
haven’t gotten used to. I mean “death is
strange”, of course.
I must admit
though, it does give me a little bit of comfort sitting in some families living
room on Christmas eve, after they have all gone to bed. Just me, alone with the tree and the
presents. It’s then that I have an ache
for the life that I have lost, even if it really is just the idea of that
life. In reality, my life didn’t contain
many wonderful Christmas memories that I cherished when I was alive, but I sure
miss them now that I’m dead.
I also look at
the milk and cookies people leave out for Santa, and I can’t help but think
about what a waste that is. Parents know
that Santa is not going to eat those cookies.
What about us ghosts? Surely if
people can waste all that food, they could just as easily leave a radio on with
some Christmas carols playing for all the lonely ghosts sitting in their living
rooms on Christmas Eve, remembering the past.
For part 2 go here
© David Ferraris 2012
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