January 4, 2009
Hello diary. I’m not even going to bother mentioning that it’s been some time since I’ve written. I am apparently going to drift through the ether for eternity, and time is meaning less and less to me these days. You register time different on the astral plane. The cold and warmth that marks the seasons doesn’t affect you anymore. Sleep isn’t an issue, there are no vacations, holidays, anniversaries or birthdays to serve as mileposts in your life.
Perhaps that’s why I bother keeping a diary at all. Maybe I am still clinging to that mortal coil, all the minutiae and worry and troubles that ground you to your life. The things we sought to rise above, to conquer, and find “life hacks” for, all the drama and the hassles and anxiety; what if all the nuisances and responsibilities and concerns we told ourselves were holding us back were in reality what life itself was made of? It could be that we could never find true happiness and freedom because the anchors and cages, the endless time and energy we spent on fruitless endeavors, was all there really was. We were the anchor. We were the cage. It was simply a paradox we could not escape.
Reading back on that, I realize that there is a good chance that the one thing I retained from life is the ability to make excuses. Perhaps I am simply justifying my lazy and wasted existence in retrospect. I honestly don’t know which is right. I guess there are some things you never get an answer to, no matter how dead you are.
April 17, 2009
When I was alive, I used to have days when I felt so dissatisfied with everything. I felt like nothing really did it for me. When I had everything that cable TV had to offer, or movies or the internet, I still felt like there must be something better that I wasn’t seeing. I would look at all my cds, and not be in the mood for any of them, sure that there was something I really felt like listening to instead. I always felt hungry for some food or drink I hadn’t tasted, or had forgotten how much I loved, and craved now. No matter how good I had it, I always felt like there was something I was missing out on somewhere.
Then I died, and spent my time roaming the world as a ghost. I have access to anywhere, and pretty much anything that exists. I can walk through walls, and see everyone in their most private and vulnerable moments. I can see some of the secrets of the universe we all wondered about, and thought we would never have the answers. I don’t even have most of the desires from my time as a living human being. I don’t care about food, or music, and television holds little interest for me. There is really nothing that I want that I can’t have. Now that I have access to all of it and all the time in the world, I don’t really care or feel any urgency. Pretty much just like real life.
The odd thing is, that feeling of dissatisfaction, like I’m missing out, is still exactly the same. It still feels like there must be something more that I’m not privy to, some thing or place that is just beyond my reach, keeping me from being truly happy. It’s not that we don’t have the things we need at hand, it’s that it’s never enough. Nothing is ever enough, even when you’re dead.
August 14, 2009
Hello diary. Well that was weird. I’m not sure how to even explain this.
Let me start by talking about what happened when I died. Without going into the details of how it happened, when I took my last breath, my spirit or soul or consciousness just sort of floated out and hovered next to my now lifeless corpse. I couldn’t quite make out what I was seeing, and I couldn’t really hear anything but muffled sounds at first. I was panicked and confused, and wasn’t sure what was happening. Slowly, things became clearer, and I could see and hear the way I did when I was alive. I think I have figured that part out. Once you are dead, a spirit with no physical form, you don’t process your senses through physical means anymore. Light rays aren’t passing through your cornea and striking your retina, sound waves aren’t bouncing off your eardrums. There is some mystical method your spirit uses to interpret the outside world, and I have no idea what it is, but it soon takes over, and you don’t notice much of a difference. You don’t smell or taste anything anymore, and you can’t really feel anything. It is really disconcerting. You can approximate blindness or being deaf by closing your eyes or plugging your ears, but nothing can really give you the sensation of not being able to taste or smell, let alone feel anything. You don’t even sense your own weight, because you effectively have none.
So basically, when I died, it was a transition to a different kind of existence. It didn’t bring me peace, it didn’t feel like enlightenment, it didn’t feel like anything other than being reborn into some new world where I had to learn to do everything all over again. I think I’m in the norm as far as that goes.
I have spent a lot of time around hospitals and deathbeds, watching people transition as I have. It has always been the same as it was with me. I see them leave their bodies, and how they react. Some are in a daze, and there is a slow realization of what has happened and they kind of adjust in their own time. Some are panicked and terrified, and flit around, lost and confused. A few seem to not even notice anything happened at all. They just drift, like they don’t know where they are and they don’t care. It’s like they are in a vegetative state. I don’t know it that’s because they were in that state when they died, or if something went wrong in the transition process or what. Maybe it’s some sort of punishment.
I never would have thought that before today. I don’t believe in any kind of god, or any afterlife, other than where I am now. I have always just figured that this is it, you die, the ghost leaves the machine, and you go aimlessly on for all eternity. I never saw a spirit leave the body and get dragged down to hell or sprout wings and float up to heaven. I only saw confusion and resignation in spirits, just like the people when I was alive.
Today, though, I happened on a woman in her deathbed, surrounded by her family, generations of them. She wasn’t really old, maybe in her late 60’s, but it was obviously some disease had been eating away at her for some time. She was drifting in and out of consciousness, but she seemed at peace with what was happening. Everyone involved seemed in acceptance of what was going on.
And then she closed her eyes, and she passed.
Now here’s the weird thing. Her spirit rose up, and she seemed completely at peace, serene and happy in a way I have never seen before. She smiled at me, then turned her head and stared off in the distance. Then she started to move, away from everyone, and through the wall. I took off after her, but moving through the ether is not as easy as you think it is. Most of the time I simply drift, it takes concentration and force of will to control where you go, and how fast you move. Not this woman, she moved like she was caught in a tractor beam.
I could keep up for a little while, but I knew I would soon tire. I tried to call after her, but it seemed like she didn’t even notice me. Faster and faster she went, and soon I slowed down and just watched her speed off and out of sight.
I just can’t get over how content she seemed right from the start, and how happy she was to go wherever she was going. It really shook me. Was there some great reward that only a few of us get to attain? Was there a heaven or paradise that awaited those of us who managed to live our lives the correct way? I didn’t think so when I was alive, and I certainly didn’t see anything since I died to make me think otherwise. Until today.
Now I wonder. Now I have a mystery. I used to think that life was just a slog, something to grind your way through, and that being dead was just an extension of the same thing. Now I wonder if there is something more, and if there is a way to find it. Now I wonder if the same answers we seek in life, we still seek in death, like our bodies give out long before we solve the mystery. If we haven’t figured it out while we were living, maybe we need to keep trying after we are dead. Maybe we have to figure it out before we die, and if we don’t, we can’t go anywhere once we’re dead. Maybe this is hell, although me and a lot of other people thought earth was hell while we were there.
I’m going to try to find out, though. What else do I have to do with eternity? Certainly I can do more than I did when I was alive, not like that’s setting the bar very high. At least now I feel a sense of purpose, and I wonder now if I could have found that when I was alive as well, if only I had paid attention. Time will tell.
I’ll keep you posted, diary. You are the only companion I have, and we are off on an adventure ...