Sunday, May 1, 2016

A Series Of Legal Correspondence With Squirrels

What follows is a record of the legal correspondence between me and the lawyers representing the squirrels that live in my yard.

Joseph Harkles
79 Clover Circle
Coopersville, PA 18064

March 18, 2016

Dear Mr. Harkles,

Let me start off by saying on behalf of my clients, the squirrels that live on and around your property located at the above address, that we are very grateful to you for providing us with copious amounts of nuts, seeds, and corn over these past few harsh winter months.  Without this sustenance, our clients would have had a much tougher time of it, scrounging for food and trying to remember where they buried things last summer.  Ah, summer, it was a heady time for my clients, spent mating, raising children and running around like crazy chasing other squirrels out of their territory.  Oddly enough, the same squirrels always seemed to be chasing the same other squirrels away everyday, but the purpose of this letter is not to discus the effectiveness of my clients territorial disputes.
To get right to the point, your constant supply of food placed on your second floor balcony has resulted in my client’s morbid obesity.  While they are not complaining about the morbid obesity itself, this condition has made it nearly impossible for them to make the trip across the yard, let alone climb the trees and wires to the balcony and get the food. 
It is for this reason that we must insist that you provide motorized scooters for my clients, as well as ramps and any other constructs to make the balcony and thus the food readily accessible. 
I have enclosed copies of the ADA guide, with special attention drawn to Title III: Public Accommodations.  I’ll think you’ll find you are legally responsible, not only for my client’s health issues, but to provide special accommodations to your residence in order to comply with federal law.

We await your swift response,

Jeffrey Abrams, esq
Dunham, Abrams, and Jones
Attorneys At Law
85 Cobblestone Ave.
Pinesville, PA 34550



Jeffrey Abrams, esq
Dunham, Abrams, and Jones
Attorneys At Law
85 Cobblestone Ave.
Pinesville, PA 34550

March 24, 2016

Dear Mr. Abrams,


I am dismayed that your clients would threaten me with legal action after I have provided them with so much free food for so many months.  I feel that it is the responsibility of the squirrels themselves to monitor their own food intake and weight gain, and eat accordingly. 
I am also upset that they did not just come to me with their concerns directly, and had to drag legal representation into this at great expense to both of us.  Of course I have noticed them chattering loudly outside my balcony door, so maybe they did try to address these issues and I just misinterpreted their behavior as a reaction to my cat, who likes to watch them with keen interest.
At any rate, I do not see that it is my responsibility to provide any sort of handicap access for your clients, as
  1. I do not see that obesity is listed as an official handicap. A quick perusal on the internet shows that most courts have rejected “general obesity” as a “disability”, without showing some direct underlying medical condition as the cause,
  2. While I am not a lawyer, I must question whether the ADA actually applies to squirrels
So let me close in saying that I see no reason for me to affect the changes you seek. 

Sincerely,

Joseph Harkles



Joseph Harkles
79 Clover Circle
Coopersville, PA 18064

March 30, 2016

Dear Mr. Harkles,

Despite what you claim in your letter, (which was not really very well written in a legal sense, trust me on that, I did go to law school), you could not be more wrong.  While it is true that some courts have rejected obesity as a disability, there are still many cases in the system right now challenging that interpretation. 
As to whether or not it applies to squirrels, do you really want to spend years of your life and untold sums of money being a litigant in the test case to see if that’s true?  My clients have deep pockets, thanks in part to you and the over abundance of seed and other food stuffs you have supplied them with. There was so much that they managed to sell a lot of it off to other animals in the neighborhood at a tidy profit.  Don’t worry though, they were much more responsible and made sure they never gave too much to any one chipmunk or possum, so there will be no legal cases brought against them. 
It is really up to you if you want to face fiscal ruin fighting this in court.  We are very good lawyers, and we know lots of tricky law stuff to drag this out for years and years. Really tricky, scary stuff, so just build the ramps and get them scooters already. 

Hopefully yours,

Jeffrey Abrams, esq
Dunham, Abrams, and Jones
Attorneys At Law
85 Cobblestone Ave.
Pinesville, PA 34550


Jeffrey Abrams, esq
Dunham, Abrams, and Jones
Attorneys At Law
85 Cobblestone Ave.
Pinesville, PA 34550

April 6, 2016

Dear Mr. Abrams,

I spoke to my lawyer about this matter, and the first thing he mentioned was that he had never heard of your law firm.  He advised me that I probably had nothing to worry about and that I was in no way obligated to provide your fat ass squirrel clients anything in the way of handicap access to my balcony or any other part of my property. 
I then took it upon myself to look up your address on Google Earth and found that it was the address for a Dunkin Donuts. I’m beginning to wonder if you are even a law firm at all.
Please inform your clients that I will not be acquiescing to any of their demands.

Sincerely,

Joseph Harkles


Joseph Harkles
79 Clover Circle
Coopersville, PA 18064

April 12, 2016

Dear Mr. Harkles,

Okay, look Joe.  We are trying to work with you, but you don’t seem to want to this matter resolved in any timely or cost effective manner.  We will be forced to file a lawsuit in the coming days if you do not agree to our demands.
We are a law firm, a very successful and litigious one.  What do you think, we’re just a bunch of squirrels that got a hold of a typewriter or something?  Haha, that’s ridiculous. Who would even think such a thing.  Certainly not us. 
We’re big, expensive lawyers, and we’re also very good at getting into birdfeeders. Not birdfeeders, ignore that last part.

Come on already, just build the ramps and give us scooters,

Jeffrey Abrams, esq
Dunham, Abrams, and Jones
Attorneys At Law
85 Cobblestone Ave.
Pinesville, PA 34550



Jeffrey Abrams, esq
Dunham, Abrams, and Jones
Attorneys At Law
85 Cobblestone Ave.
Pinesville, PA 34550

April 16, 2016

Dear Mr. Abrams,

I’m beginning to think that you are just squirrels with a typewriter.  As a matter of fact, I notice that there is a typewriter missing from my garage at this time.  I bet if I went out and searched the squirrel’s residence in the tree in my backyard I just might find it there.

Joe Harkles



Jeffrey Abrams, esq
Dunham, Abrams, and Jones
Attorneys At Law

April 25, 2016

Joe,

Really, you don’t want to do that.  Seriously, there’s no typewriter there.  Besides, I think you need a warrant or something for that.  How about just one ramp and one RC car from the hobby store and a bunch of batteries?  That’s not asking too much.

Please?

Jeff


Jeff,

I’m sorry, but I’m not about to spend any more money on your “clients”.  How about if I just put the food on the ground so you don’t have to climb the balcony?

Joe

Joe,

Really? On the ground?  With all the other vermin?  We got used to eating on the balcony, it seems so much more refined.  I mean my clients.  Oh, who are we kidding.  Of course we took your typewriter.  Just help a brother out.  It’s murder hauling our fat butts up trees and across wires to get up there. 

Jeff

P.S. I know I already admitted that I’m a squirrel, but my name is actually Jeff, so…


Jeff,

I’m sure you noticed that today I installed a rose trellis on the side of the house adjacent to the balcony.  Hopefully this will make it much easier for you to get up there.  I’m sorry I can’t do more, but I spend more money than I already should feeding the local wildlife. 

Respectfully,

Joe

Joe,

I guess that will have to do.  We really do need to lose some weight anyway, what with summer coming.  Hope we didn’t make you too nuts with all this.  Haha, get it? Nuts?  That’s some squirrel humor.  As a token of our thanks, we will try to resist chewing through your TV cable this year.  

Looking forward to seeing you on the balcony,

Jeff

P.S. Can we keep the typewriter?  We have some angry letters we want to write to some crows and starlings that have really been pissing us off.


2 comments: