What follows is a record of the legal correspondence between
me and the lawyers representing the squirrels that live in my yard.
Joseph Harkles
Dear Mr. Harkles,
Let me start off by saying on behalf of my clients, the
squirrels that live on and around your property located at the above address,
that we are very grateful to you for providing us with copious amounts of nuts,
seeds, and corn over these past few harsh winter months. Without this sustenance, our clients would
have had a much tougher time of it, scrounging for food and trying to remember where
they buried things last summer. Ah, summer,
it was a heady time for my clients, spent mating, raising children and running
around like crazy chasing other squirrels out of their territory. Oddly enough, the same squirrels always
seemed to be chasing the same other squirrels away everyday, but the purpose of
this letter is not to discus the effectiveness of my clients territorial
disputes.
To get right to the point, your constant supply of food
placed on your second floor balcony has resulted in my client’s morbid
obesity. While they are not complaining
about the morbid obesity itself, this condition has made it nearly impossible
for them to make the trip across the yard, let alone climb the trees and wires
to the balcony and get the food.
It is for this reason that we must insist that you provide
motorized scooters for my clients, as well as ramps and any other constructs to
make the balcony and thus the food readily accessible.
I have enclosed copies of the ADA guide, with special attention
drawn to Title III: Public Accommodations.
I’ll think you’ll find you are legally responsible, not only for my
client’s health issues, but to provide special accommodations to your residence
in order to comply with federal law.
We await
your swift response,
Jeffrey
Abrams, esq
Dunham,
Abrams, and Jones
Attorneys
At Law
Jeffrey
Abrams, esq
Dunham,
Abrams, and Jones
Attorneys
At Law
Dear Mr.
Abrams,
I am
dismayed that your clients would threaten me with legal action after I have
provided them with so much free food for so many months. I feel that it is the responsibility of the
squirrels themselves to monitor their own food intake and weight gain, and eat
accordingly.
I am
also upset that they did not just come to me with their concerns directly, and
had to drag legal representation into this at great expense to both of us. Of course I have noticed them chattering
loudly outside my balcony door, so maybe they did try to address these issues
and I just misinterpreted their behavior as a reaction to my cat, who likes to watch
them with keen interest.
At any rate,
I do not see that it is my responsibility to provide any sort of handicap access
for your clients, as
- I do not see that obesity is listed as an
official handicap. A quick perusal on the internet shows that most courts have
rejected “general obesity” as a “disability”, without showing some direct underlying
medical condition as the cause,
- While I am not a lawyer, I must question
whether the
So let
me close in saying that I see no reason for me to affect the changes you seek.
Sincerely,
Joseph
Harkles
Joseph Harkles
Dear Mr. Harkles,
Despite
what you claim in your letter, (which was not really very well written in a
legal sense, trust me on that, I did go
to law school), you could not be more wrong.
While it is true that some courts have rejected obesity as a disability,
there are still many cases in the system right now challenging that
interpretation.
As to
whether or not it applies to squirrels, do you really want to spend years of
your life and untold sums of money being a litigant in the test case to see if
that’s true? My clients have deep
pockets, thanks in part to you and the over abundance of seed and other food
stuffs you have supplied them with. There was so much that they managed to sell
a lot of it off to other animals in the neighborhood at a tidy profit. Don’t worry though, they were much more
responsible and made sure they never gave too much to any one chipmunk or
possum, so there will be no legal cases brought against them.
It is
really up to you if you want to face fiscal ruin fighting this in court. We are very good lawyers, and we know lots of
tricky law stuff to drag this out for years and years. Really tricky, scary
stuff, so just build the ramps and get them scooters already.
Hopefully
yours,
Jeffrey
Abrams, esq
Dunham,
Abrams, and Jones
Attorneys
At Law
Jeffrey
Abrams, esq
Dunham,
Abrams, and Jones
Attorneys
At Law
Dear Mr.
Abrams,
I spoke
to my lawyer about this matter, and the first thing he mentioned was that he
had never heard of your law firm. He
advised me that I probably had nothing to worry about and that I was in no way
obligated to provide your fat ass squirrel clients anything in the way of
handicap access to my balcony or any other part of my property.
I then
took it upon myself to look up your address on Google Earth and found that it
was the address for a Dunkin Donuts. I’m beginning to wonder if you are even a
law firm at all.
Please
inform your clients that I will not be acquiescing to any of their demands.
Sincerely,
Joseph
Harkles
Joseph Harkles
Dear Mr. Harkles,
Okay,
look Joe. We are trying to work with
you, but you don’t seem to want to this matter resolved in any timely or cost
effective manner. We will be forced to
file a lawsuit in the coming days if you do not agree to our demands.
We are a
law firm, a very successful and litigious one.
What do you think, we’re just a bunch of squirrels that got a hold of a
typewriter or something? Haha, that’s
ridiculous. Who would even think such a thing.
Certainly not us.
We’re
big, expensive lawyers, and we’re also very good at getting into birdfeeders.
Not birdfeeders, ignore that last part.
Come on already,
just build the ramps and give us scooters,
Jeffrey
Abrams, esq
Dunham,
Abrams, and Jones
Attorneys
At Law
Jeffrey
Abrams, esq
Dunham,
Abrams, and Jones
Attorneys
At Law
Dear Mr.
Abrams,
I’m
beginning to think that you are just squirrels with a typewriter. As a matter of fact, I notice that there is a
typewriter missing from my garage at this time.
I bet if I went out and searched the squirrel’s residence in the tree in
my backyard I just might find it there.
Joe
Harkles
Jeffrey
Abrams, esq
Dunham,
Abrams, and Jones
Attorneys
At Law
Joe,
Really,
you don’t want to do that. Seriously,
there’s no typewriter there. Besides, I
think you need a warrant or something for that.
How about just one ramp and one RC car from the hobby store and a bunch
of batteries? That’s not asking too
much.
Please?
Jeff
Jeff,
I’m
sorry, but I’m not about to spend any more money on your “clients”. How about if I just put the food on the
ground so you don’t have to climb the balcony?
Joe
Joe,
Really?
On the ground? With all the other
vermin? We got used to eating on the
balcony, it seems so much more refined.
I mean my clients. Oh, who are we
kidding. Of course we took your
typewriter. Just help a brother
out. It’s murder hauling our fat butts
up trees and across wires to get up there.
Jeff
P.S. I
know I already admitted that I’m a squirrel, but my name is actually Jeff, so…
Jeff,
I’m sure
you noticed that today I installed a rose trellis on the side of the house adjacent
to the balcony. Hopefully this will make
it much easier for you to get up there.
I’m sorry I can’t do more, but I spend more money than I already should
feeding the local wildlife.
Respectfully,
Joe
Joe,
I guess
that will have to do. We really do need
to lose some weight anyway, what with summer coming. Hope we didn’t make you too nuts with all
this. Haha, get it? Nuts? That’s some squirrel humor. As a token of our thanks, we will try to
resist chewing through your TV cable this year.
Looking
forward to seeing you on the balcony,
Jeff
P.S. Can
we keep the typewriter? We have some
angry letters we want to write to some crows and starlings that have really
been pissing us off.
